What if...? Being a Stay-At-Home Dad, digging Open Theism, sitting at the Rabbi's Feet & Breaking Bad!

The other day I was wondering, “Did we make the “right” decision?”

This lingering question isn’t new or alarming to anyone on any given day, as it’s the haunting question that everyone wonders throughout life’s crazy journey. Humans second guess themselves all of the time, whether after buying a new car, taking a new job, moving or simply wondering, “What would our world have been life if ________?”

We make decisions every day that have small and massive, rippling effects on the trajectory of our lives as well as minor and large consequences effecting the world around us.  I remember when Lauren and I made the decision to pursue medicine many years ago. We were sitting in our house just 2 blocks from where we live today. Lauren said, “I think I know what I want to do. I want to be a doctor.” After several years of tests, closed doors that seemed firmly locked, the perseverance paid off. We knocked down some heavy walls, kept patient, paid our dues and here we are 11 years later... we still wonder, "Did we make the right decision?"

"What if...?" 

In the last year +, we had a baby girl and moved to Denver. I made the decision to stop working as a local pastor and stay at home with Caroline while Lauren started her internal medicine residency that will last 3 years. These decisions are multilayered that go back to 2008. We sold our home, left our community and unknown possibilities of church planting in San Antonio, moved to Dominica and began a whole new journey. We made the decision for Lauren to have heart surgery 3 years ago when her conditioned worsened, made another big decision to move to New York City, and one more to move back to Austin with our family for the first year of Caroline’s life.

Every now and then we wonder, “What if ___________?”

What if we stayed in San Antonio 5 years ago?

What if we never left Denver 11 years ago?

What if we chose not to undergo heart surgery 3 years ago?

What if we didn’t move to New York City after heart surgery?

What if we stayed at Liquid Church and didn’t move to Austin for that last year?

What if we decided to stay in Austin with family just a few months ago?

I’ll be pretty honest. These questions will drive you crazy if you sit on them for too long.

I believe in both a sovereign, omniscient deity who knows every single possibility of any decision we will every make along with believing that he never manipulates or coerces his creation to make decisions outside of their free will. This position is called, the “open view.” Essentially, the LORD is still sovereign (a big misconception some use against this particular view), but our decisions have a huge effect on the complicated day-to-day issues of this chaotic yet beautiful world. The LORD intervenes, redeems and works with us every step of the way. He's not a clockwork, hands-off deity. However, this view doesn’t hold to “one way” of doing things… there are thousands of unlimited options at our disposal. It’s kind of like the children’s book series, “Choose Your Own Adventure,” but of course, with way more options. If you want to read about Open Theism in more detail, check out this book, “God of the Possible,” by Greg Boyd.

I'm a believer in our choices. So, what does it mean for us to “choose what is better?”

My father in law, Doug, typically gives Lauren and I advice from his father regarding an example with 3 paths/ decisions. You’ve probably heard the scenario at some point, and you’ve most likely “been there – done that” and wondered, “Hmmm???” Someone is standing at a “crossroads” decision, and there are three, significantly different paths to take, but they all look like pretty decent paths. One prays, seeks counsel and weighs the pros and cons, but still has no discerning clarity on the matter. At this point, Doug’s father in law said (I’m paraphrasing), “Perhaps it doesn’t matter what decision you make as long as you seek the LORD and live out His “will” in your life.” And when we speak of “will” we aren’t talking about the “destined road” or fate; but ultimately the things we all know to be his will: a life of love, joy, peace, faithfulness, hope, etc.

The writers of AMC from shows such as “The Walking Dead” and “Breaking Bad” understand this complex concept well, as the complicated and dark characters are always making “BIG” life altering decisions that beg the viewer, “What would you do if A.) You have X amount of food during a Zombie Apocalypse and didn’t’ trust person A on the fringe of “Team Prison?” or, “What would you do if you were Walter White, a brilliant chemist with lung cancer looking to provide for your family?”

If you were Walt, cook some crystal, right?

If you were Rick, take out Shane, right?

Alright, you might not be cooking meth or killing zombies, but these shows do speak to our human will. Hey, “Breaking Bad’s” Walter White, an extreme example of bad going really BAD due to poor but complicated decisions under the “Murphy’s Law” theory, is a man with massive problems that are basically rooted in his freakin' ego. Walt never believed in taking any sort of charity. He made $$$$ as a drug manufacturer to provide for his family because the running theme for Walt is subversively linked to the American man, “A man provides… A man provides" (which sadly, equates to just making $.). I know the example of cooking meth might be far fetched, but the character, Walt, believed that he was doing what was best for his family as he saw it, making hard earned cash. While it’s easy for the viewer of the drama series to go, “Walt. Don’t do it! You are digging yourself into a deeper hole with that decision.”, it’s really easy to understand why he made the decisions he made along the way as it speaks to our every day decisions, both big and small.

The Walt factor that is within each one of us reminds me of a scene in Luke’s Gospel:

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. (10:38-42).

This passage drives most of us BAT-$#*! crazy in real world time. How did Mary “choose” what was better, while clearly, Martha provided for Jesus and the disciples and was concerned with “practical” and “godly” things such as serving the Messiah. I’ll be bluntly honest. As a man living in the United States, I often feel the pressure of “Walt” to “provide” for my family in the ways we've been told by society. I often feel the struggles of uber-busy Martha, just wanting to "work" (in the traditional sense), serve others (in the churchy sense) and do what is “right” (in who knows what misconceived and ludicrous "sense") and not appear “lazy” like Mary, who was just "sitting at Jesus’ feet" (...because this "will" thing is often about "pride" for most of us if we were truly honest.).

To sit at Jesus' feet is an extraordinarily profound 1^st Century statement, though. This means to be engaged in discipleship. Sitting at a Rabbi’s feet was a Hebrew idiom for following a Rabbi, devoting one's entire life to his mission. Let me clarify before anyone makes unhealthy conclusions and parallels … there was nothing wrong with Martha taking care of everyone and serving in the kitchen. Hey! That’s what I do every day now (Totally guilty of telling Lauren, "Would it hurt you to put your dish in the dishwasher every now and then?")! The “wrong” was the prideful posture of her heart as mine on any given day. Martha could have made a fine, Pinterest meal, cleaned the houe to Martha Stewart perfection and washed every dish in Israel, but her heart was in the wrong place as she failed to “sit at the Rabbi’s feet” and begin her acts of service with relational humility that begins with the source of every decision under the sun.

This reminds me of the apostle Paul’s description of the gifts given to the body of Christ. We can do amazing things… preach the paint off the walls of a church, feed the poor, be martyrs, speak in tongues, and change some killer diapers (NewRyan'sVersion), etc. but if we don’t’ have a 'lil thing called love, NOTHING matters! Nada! I think this is what it means to “choose” what is "better." It’s not as if the choice of staying at home with Caroline is more righteous than not staying at home. It’s not as if Lauren is doing what I should be doing. It’s not as if our roles were reversed everything would be in sync with the LORD’s will. Whether we made the decision to stay in Austin, NYC or _________ isn’t really the point. The crossroads decisions are all important, and we should never take them lightly. Counsel, prayer, etc., is all good. But the point is beyond the decision. 

The point is about sitting at Jesus’ feet before we choose a path... before we "choose our own adventure." 

In addition, I'll add that the point to sit at the Rabbis' feet doesn't stop after the decision is made. Whether you are a stay at home parent or work out of the house 5-6 days/week, we have to choose to sit with our Rabbi, abide in Him and walk each day with Him.

There are days when I wonder, “What the hell am I doing?”

Lauren asks the same thing. We talk it over, get perspective. Press the reset button and walk on.

Then, I look down at my little nugget, Caroline Jane Miller, and I know exactly what I’m doing even if I'm clueless on most days. I’m sitting at the LORD’s feet, and in this season of our lives, sitting at his feet looks like being the best stay-at-home dad I can be, not for the sake of pride, but for the sake of loving my family with all of my heart, soul and strength. 

Did we make the right decision? 

For this particular season and stage in our life, INDEED!

Mr. Mom?

Mr. Mom.

Stop!

Do I look like Michael Keaton?

Before you answer that question, Batman with Michael Keaton or Val Kilmer?

Sure, Michael Keaton nailed the role in both Batman and Mr. Mom. Mr. Mom was a very funny movie back in the 80’s. But for just a second, take a look at its juvenile portrayal of an incompetent man who can’t even do the freaking laundry. This movie became an omen of how stay-at-home dads would be perceived for many years.

Stay-at-home dads (SAHD) are usually looked down upon in America. Just being honest. We are the minority. When you meet someone, the first question people ask one another in the west is, “What do you do?” It’s a good icebreaker.. sort of. I remember telling a few people that I was going to stay at home with Caroline while Lauren was in residency, and they didn’t know how to react as if I was suddenly not talking plain English. I’ve had people say, “So, what are you really going to do?” I’ve had people call me, “Mr. Mom.” I’ve also had people speak to me like I’m taking over Lauren’s job. I know that silently there are people who think that men can’t nurture kids like a woman and won’t be able to emotionally take care of a baby’s needs. Loads of culture crap!

Sure, it’s a difficult transition, indeed. I’ve only been doing this for 2 months, and it most likely won’t be a permanent role for us post residency. Yet, I wonder why so many people have such a hard time digesting the fact that a man can not only wipe his own ass, but he can also change a diaper and put “Boudreaux Butt Paste” on his own baby’s ass. We don’t all look like Michael Keaton from Mr. Mom or Eddie Murphy from Daddy Day Care (Horrible movie BTW!). We can brush our teeth, buy groceries, pick out our own clothes, take out the trash, and mow the grass (Oh wait… Those last two are only for men right?!). We can even feed and bathe the baby, do the dishes, go to the park, pay the bills and even do a little blogging during nap-time! 

While television shows and movies have been making fun of men for years (I’ve enjoyed many of them over the years!), there’s something to be said about the major flaws and inconsistencies that have plagued our culture regarding the role of men and women. Some churches talk about men being emasculated for different reasons than I’m suggesting in this post. I think a "full set of balls" (metaphorically speaking!) are needed in order for men to be real men in the fullest sense, not just to hunt, fish and go on wild adventures. That’s all fine, but men are also incredibly emotional (It's true even if we don't admit it!), able to be nurtured and nurture others, and they are much more valuable to a household than simply becoming beer drinking, ESPN watchin’ dimwitted fools who are only good for bringing home the bacon! (Yes, I love beer and ESPN, but I don't eat bacon.)

As a SAHD, I’m honestly offended by the stereotypes represented in movies like Mr. Mom as well as television shows like King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond and The Simpsons that make men look like morons. As a man, this insults my intelligence, and if you were to really ask a woman worth her salt she’d straight up tell you that this is ridiculous too! It ain’t cute, men. I heard someone say that sitcoms are funny on a television, but they suck in real life. #TRUTH

Through a warped idea of gender roles rooted in a post Industrial Revolutionized America and onward through the "good 'ole days" of the1950’s with the ongoing “culture wars,” the church participated in many of these idiocracies reading the Bible “fundamentally” but way out of any sort of context when it comes to men, women and the roles each play inside and outside the home.

The Scripture that is often used as a defense for men needing to work outside the home comes from 1 Timothy 5:8, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” A popular pastor along with his wife spoke about this issue of women needing to be at home and men needing to work in a Christian marriage. In my opinion, while there are a few valid points in the talk, some statements this pastor made are downright antithetical to the nature of Jesus and genuine, kingdom living. (You can view it, HERE! Be warned. You might get a bit angry. Breathe...).

For one, this 1 Timothy passage in context is stuck in the middle of Paul talking about taking care of widows, most likely someone in their own tribe. Understanding the family dynamic in the Middle East is crucial to see where Paul was going with this "providing" statement. Next, the word for “provide” in Greek (“Prono-eyo”) literally means, “to think before,” as Paul was talking about being cognizant of the provision of one’s family in an eastern, agrarian society. In addition, the word, "man" (one with testicles) is not even written in the passage. Paul is speaking to the family in general. Look it up! In no way does this passage imply that a man MUST make a paycheck outside the house. That would be a post Industrial Revolutionized construct thrown into this biblical teaching. This is why I'm continually adamant that Christians take the Bible seriously by reading its letters in context! In fact, kids grew up working with the whole family around the house back in the day. Men worked from home with their kids on the farm, etc. This meant that men actually used to spend a whole lot more time with their kids in Bible time. Think about it. A man working from home and/or taking his kids to work might be more biblical if we were to take the Bible literally! Guess what else? Women knew how to slaughter an animal and didn’t care about breaking their nails. Shocker! 

So, in our culture today in the west (which is very different from other cultures, especially the East 2,000 years ago), we still have to consider the biblical principle of what it means for a man to provide, but the landscape has drastically changed. This new way of looking at the world today doesn’t excuse men to stay at home, watch ESPN and put the kid in the playpen while not doing jack $#^!. Biblically speaking, you do whatever it takes to provide (YES!), but this is a holistic provision involving both mom and dad that is also deeply emotional and spiritual, not solely financial.

I’ll be honest. When Lauren and I met back in college and became serious in our relationship, neither one of us had any intention of staying at home. We talked openly about the weird gender roles, particularly played out in the South (We went to Baylor University for crying out loud!). By the time I was a senior, understanding that something was wrong with the cultural gender role idea within my own theological and biblical studies, I was already becoming an egalitarian with my views on women and their equal role in the church and at home. I knew that my wife was destined for something extraordinary, and she would say the same about me. We believed in one another’s dreams from the start, and as a couple who have been married for almost 12 years, through the ups and down, we’ve continued to encourage one another, both sacrificing in due seasons, bringing out the best in one another because it has never been a competition. We actually get sad when we hear that certain couples have to ask permission to do things. Domineering, power down structures are toxic in a marriage (Me Tarzan. You Jane!).

Some seasons I’ve made more $ (as a pastor, that tells you how “poor” we’ve been… yeah, it’s relative!), and other seasons she was banking and bringing home the fine wine. We’ve never made this role thing an issue in our marriage (I used to make bread in Dominica, though.), and yet we’ve seen this “breadwinning” conversation come up with other couples. It’s kind of ludicrous, and it seems to put both men and women in extraordinarily unhealthy boxes. A marriage is much more beautiful than these “roles” we put on one another. 

I’m actually good at doing laundry, but I hate to cook. Lauren likes to cook, but is horrible at keeping up with the laundry. I’m a spender and she’s a saver. I mow the yard, and she does the taxes. The list goes on… it’s a team effort. Not a male/female thing. Some seasons are different, and it seems like one of us does more work at home in a specific area depending on the particular season. This current season has been anticipated for a while, but with the newest addition, sweet Caroline, the ballgame completely changed.

Now, with Lauren as a resident MD in Denver, I made the decision that it would be best to stay at home with Caroline. Lauren would absolutely love to trade places with me, and maybe some day she will, but this is the beautiful and messy season we are in, and we are making the most of it. I’ve been told about youth ministry jobs, but I’m not interested. I have a congregation of one. If I can't disciple Caroline, nothing else matters. I could get a job, but it would be a wash and it would only pay for Caroline to be raised by someone else for these tough years while Lauren has crazy hours at the hospital. For our family, it made most sense for me to be Mr. DAD!

Not Mr. Mom!

Bottom line: Let’s give men back their true dignity: heart, mind, body and soul stuff!

Let’s give women their value and worth seen as equals in this world. We are all people made in the glorious image of our heavenly Father. When we mess with these roles and place our prescription of what it means to be a man and women upon others, we take away someone’s sacred worth.

I don’t think every family needs to have someone stay at home. And, I’m not advocating that men leave their jobs and stay at home. It’s a calling for both sexes. It's a couple's decision. It’s unique to each family.  It made most sense for us now. Everyone has their story and their convictions. But a deep conviction that is needed in our churches is to allow men to see that they are better than Homer Simpson and Ray Romano. We have feelings. We can nurture. We can still drink beer and watch ESPN if that’s our thing, but it’s time we put down gender slurs that go both ways. It's time we raise our kids, and show them they matter. You can be a hardworking man in the workplace (like both of my brothers-in-law, Scott and Barrett), whose wives stay at home. But these men make precious time for their children, and that is what is truly important. Their jobs are secondary to their families. My dad did the same for me, and coached all of my baseball teams as a kid. 

Man up, Mr. Dads! 

I’m learning new things about life, priorities, what really matters at the end of the day, and I couldn’t be prouder for my wife, the beautiful, strong, loving, doctor who is a fantastic mother. Caroline has a great role model in Lauren. In fact, we both talked about this strange transition tonight (as it is tough and new for both of us), and we are both ridiculously proud of one another. 

Whether you are a working mom at home or in the work place, a working dad at home or in the workplace (because it's all work!), at the end of our lives, your kids will answer these few questions about their childhood and your relationship. 

1. Did mom and dad love me?

2. Did they love one another?

And, hopefully...

3. Did they show this love of Jesus to the world around them?

Caroline's Animals Like 2 Party!

We love our 'lil animals in 'dis house!

I'm already teaching Caroline about the power of STORY, character development, a call to adventure, the conflict and hurdle to overcome, resolution (and eventually, we'll throw in the love interest). She thinks her talking animals are hilarious. I've added a few fan favorites over the past week. Here's the full gang. Enjoy! 

Bruiser, The Grizzly Bear. He's the "leading man," a bit tough and gruff, black and white, but very passionate! Don't mess with this fierce beast. Along the way, the domineering Bruiser will learn shalom, and not to fight like the world!

Oz, the fun lovin' Aussie Dog. He's essentially my mate, Aussie Dave Adamson, if I could stuff him up as a dog. Oz is the comic relief filled with wit and timely sarcasm. Oz keeps it real and fun! Sadly, for Caroline, she is going to think Australians sound like drunken Irish pirates. 

Here's Pola', The Polar Bear. He's a mix between Adam Sandler's, "Billy Madison" and Fozzie the Bear. Bruiser often tries to bully him, but don't think that Pola' will back down from a fight. Our next character usually comes to the rescue.

Meet Gerrie (also known as Sophie), The Giraffe. She's the peacemaker of the group. Gerrie is the one with the heart of gold. She's soft spoken, but when she speaks the gang listens. Okay, about that LOVE interest... she's already got an "interest" in our next player... 

Last, but not least from the Fab 5 is DJ, the Dacshund. He's an inspiration from our wiener dog, Hercules. DJ. means well and has a tender heart, but he's a cowardly, southern dachshund who is a bit clumsy at times. The other guys tease him quite a bit. He will overcome, not in hate, but in love! Gerrie tries to encourage DJ.

That's the original gang (Pola' was grafted in to the "clique"....). Recently, we've added a few more fun, accent-filled beasts to the par-tay.

Ducky, CJ's bath-time duck. He joined us from the tub to the living room because my best accent is ... well, it's always been Donald Duck. It's a favorite with 'lil kids. Ducky is a bit scrappy like my sister, but lots of fun.

Lamby has been around for a while, and she's yet to make any appearances in the big "show," but I'm working on her character to come out. She's shy, but I have a feeling she's gotta LION roar inside her bones. For the most part, she is the early morning riser with CJ. She's soft and cuddly.

Jazzy, the colorful dachshund, who also likes to go by the name, "Leon Phelps" - AKA - the ladies man. Jazzy will probably be censored by mommy. He's disgusting. 

Dobe (bad pic), the smart Indian ... no, I'm not stereotyping at all! :) Dobe is a "lovey" for CJ, but he looks like that dude from Harry Potter, and lately, Caroline has been really interested in curry. So, there ya have it. 

Last, but certainly not least is Rufus, the 'lil green bear. Rufus has become CJ's favorite character lately. She thinks he's really funny. Of course he is... Rufus is from Dominica, and Dominican accents are my all time favorites to butcher. 

MillerTime: Stay-At-Home Dad & The Nugget!

June 2, 2013 everything changed… yet again!

Say it with me out loud, “CHANGE!” I know it’s never easy to change, but we’ve gotten used to it in our household.

Normalcy in the Miller house consists of chips and salsa and loving on the San Antonio Spurs. That’s about it! We’ve been a small family on the move ever since April 2008 when we left San Antonio on this epic and wild journey. Now, with the addition of Caroline Jane Miller, we find ourselves in a brand new season with an even bigger adventure. 3 years of Lauren’s MD residency might not seem like a long time, but for us, that’s a lifetime! I’m super proud of Lauren. She’s killed it, and there’s not a lot of people who could have done what she’s done over the past 5 years. These next 3 years will be the most difficult, but I'm a big believer in my girl.

We are finally getting settled in Denver, CO, the city where Lauren and I lived when we got married nearly 12 years ago. We are living in our favorite neighborhood, Platt Park, just 1 block away from our old house. Caroline gets to hear her daddy tell stories as we stroll down “memory lane” and look forward to making new memories, meeting new people and finding joy with every sunrise.

12 years ago I never thought we’d be living here again. There’s a lot I never thought would happen, and if someone with psychic abilities were to have told me half of this stuff ahead of time, I would have freaked out. I’ve only known an "adult life" of full time ministry. Those days will be back again, but I’m in no rush at all... There’s a lot of ministry to be done outside the box of traditional, local church ministry. The first, primary job of this pastor starts at home!

While my full time job is no longer pastoring, teaching and discipling a bunch of people at a local church, this new role of being a pastor 24/7 to my daughter is really unexpectedly insane! I’m still a bit nervous about this new season, but I am convinced that this is what is best for our family during this time, to be a stay-at-home dad with Caroline! She’s my ‘lil disciple. She's the most important disciple I've ever had in nearly 15 years of doing this "discipleship" thing.

Caroline is my precious princess, my chubby little pumpkin and my funny little booger bug (to name a few)! I love my baby girl with wild abandon and relentless tenacity. I'm not a violent man (nearly a pacifist, actually), but I will hunt a man down if anyone thinks of hurting this girl.

This little nugget makes my heart melt. She gets me all weepy some days. We laugh a lot together, and I get to see new developments every single day. It’s quite amazing! I never thought being a parent would be so challenging, tiring and yet so incredibly beautifully profound on many levels. Lauren and I are truly blessed.

Most of my blogs are about theology, ministry, relevant issues and biblical ramblings. I’ll keep those MillerTime Ministries posts up and running … www.millertimejedidiah.blogspot.com. But this new blog site, www.millertimestayathomedad.blogspot.com, will solely be dedicated to my adventures with CJ! I realize there probably aren’t many stay-at-home dads out there (as I’m sure more moms will read these blog posts), but if you are like me, and called to be a stay-at-home dad, I’d love to hear from you (millertimeministries@yahoo.com). 

Tell your story! Write down these priceless memories during nap time, in between a load of laundry and the dishes. Some day, you can share it with your little cupcake. She'll love it.

Cheers to all of the stay-at-home dads out there. We might be small in number, but we are mighty in influence! Stay tuned for the adventures of MillerTime & The Nugget!

Peace