Mr. Mom?

Mr. Mom.

Stop!

Do I look like Michael Keaton?

Before you answer that question, Batman with Michael Keaton or Val Kilmer?

Sure, Michael Keaton nailed the role in both Batman and Mr. Mom. Mr. Mom was a very funny movie back in the 80’s. But for just a second, take a look at its juvenile portrayal of an incompetent man who can’t even do the freaking laundry. This movie became an omen of how stay-at-home dads would be perceived for many years.

Stay-at-home dads (SAHD) are usually looked down upon in America. Just being honest. We are the minority. When you meet someone, the first question people ask one another in the west is, “What do you do?” It’s a good icebreaker.. sort of. I remember telling a few people that I was going to stay at home with Caroline while Lauren was in residency, and they didn’t know how to react as if I was suddenly not talking plain English. I’ve had people say, “So, what are you really going to do?” I’ve had people call me, “Mr. Mom.” I’ve also had people speak to me like I’m taking over Lauren’s job. I know that silently there are people who think that men can’t nurture kids like a woman and won’t be able to emotionally take care of a baby’s needs. Loads of culture crap!

Sure, it’s a difficult transition, indeed. I’ve only been doing this for 2 months, and it most likely won’t be a permanent role for us post residency. Yet, I wonder why so many people have such a hard time digesting the fact that a man can not only wipe his own ass, but he can also change a diaper and put “Boudreaux Butt Paste” on his own baby’s ass. We don’t all look like Michael Keaton from Mr. Mom or Eddie Murphy from Daddy Day Care (Horrible movie BTW!). We can brush our teeth, buy groceries, pick out our own clothes, take out the trash, and mow the grass (Oh wait… Those last two are only for men right?!). We can even feed and bathe the baby, do the dishes, go to the park, pay the bills and even do a little blogging during nap-time! 

While television shows and movies have been making fun of men for years (I’ve enjoyed many of them over the years!), there’s something to be said about the major flaws and inconsistencies that have plagued our culture regarding the role of men and women. Some churches talk about men being emasculated for different reasons than I’m suggesting in this post. I think a "full set of balls" (metaphorically speaking!) are needed in order for men to be real men in the fullest sense, not just to hunt, fish and go on wild adventures. That’s all fine, but men are also incredibly emotional (It's true even if we don't admit it!), able to be nurtured and nurture others, and they are much more valuable to a household than simply becoming beer drinking, ESPN watchin’ dimwitted fools who are only good for bringing home the bacon! (Yes, I love beer and ESPN, but I don't eat bacon.)

As a SAHD, I’m honestly offended by the stereotypes represented in movies like Mr. Mom as well as television shows like King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond and The Simpsons that make men look like morons. As a man, this insults my intelligence, and if you were to really ask a woman worth her salt she’d straight up tell you that this is ridiculous too! It ain’t cute, men. I heard someone say that sitcoms are funny on a television, but they suck in real life. #TRUTH

Through a warped idea of gender roles rooted in a post Industrial Revolutionized America and onward through the "good 'ole days" of the1950’s with the ongoing “culture wars,” the church participated in many of these idiocracies reading the Bible “fundamentally” but way out of any sort of context when it comes to men, women and the roles each play inside and outside the home.

The Scripture that is often used as a defense for men needing to work outside the home comes from 1 Timothy 5:8, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” A popular pastor along with his wife spoke about this issue of women needing to be at home and men needing to work in a Christian marriage. In my opinion, while there are a few valid points in the talk, some statements this pastor made are downright antithetical to the nature of Jesus and genuine, kingdom living. (You can view it, HERE! Be warned. You might get a bit angry. Breathe...).

For one, this 1 Timothy passage in context is stuck in the middle of Paul talking about taking care of widows, most likely someone in their own tribe. Understanding the family dynamic in the Middle East is crucial to see where Paul was going with this "providing" statement. Next, the word for “provide” in Greek (“Prono-eyo”) literally means, “to think before,” as Paul was talking about being cognizant of the provision of one’s family in an eastern, agrarian society. In addition, the word, "man" (one with testicles) is not even written in the passage. Paul is speaking to the family in general. Look it up! In no way does this passage imply that a man MUST make a paycheck outside the house. That would be a post Industrial Revolutionized construct thrown into this biblical teaching. This is why I'm continually adamant that Christians take the Bible seriously by reading its letters in context! In fact, kids grew up working with the whole family around the house back in the day. Men worked from home with their kids on the farm, etc. This meant that men actually used to spend a whole lot more time with their kids in Bible time. Think about it. A man working from home and/or taking his kids to work might be more biblical if we were to take the Bible literally! Guess what else? Women knew how to slaughter an animal and didn’t care about breaking their nails. Shocker! 

So, in our culture today in the west (which is very different from other cultures, especially the East 2,000 years ago), we still have to consider the biblical principle of what it means for a man to provide, but the landscape has drastically changed. This new way of looking at the world today doesn’t excuse men to stay at home, watch ESPN and put the kid in the playpen while not doing jack $#^!. Biblically speaking, you do whatever it takes to provide (YES!), but this is a holistic provision involving both mom and dad that is also deeply emotional and spiritual, not solely financial.

I’ll be honest. When Lauren and I met back in college and became serious in our relationship, neither one of us had any intention of staying at home. We talked openly about the weird gender roles, particularly played out in the South (We went to Baylor University for crying out loud!). By the time I was a senior, understanding that something was wrong with the cultural gender role idea within my own theological and biblical studies, I was already becoming an egalitarian with my views on women and their equal role in the church and at home. I knew that my wife was destined for something extraordinary, and she would say the same about me. We believed in one another’s dreams from the start, and as a couple who have been married for almost 12 years, through the ups and down, we’ve continued to encourage one another, both sacrificing in due seasons, bringing out the best in one another because it has never been a competition. We actually get sad when we hear that certain couples have to ask permission to do things. Domineering, power down structures are toxic in a marriage (Me Tarzan. You Jane!).

Some seasons I’ve made more $ (as a pastor, that tells you how “poor” we’ve been… yeah, it’s relative!), and other seasons she was banking and bringing home the fine wine. We’ve never made this role thing an issue in our marriage (I used to make bread in Dominica, though.), and yet we’ve seen this “breadwinning” conversation come up with other couples. It’s kind of ludicrous, and it seems to put both men and women in extraordinarily unhealthy boxes. A marriage is much more beautiful than these “roles” we put on one another. 

I’m actually good at doing laundry, but I hate to cook. Lauren likes to cook, but is horrible at keeping up with the laundry. I’m a spender and she’s a saver. I mow the yard, and she does the taxes. The list goes on… it’s a team effort. Not a male/female thing. Some seasons are different, and it seems like one of us does more work at home in a specific area depending on the particular season. This current season has been anticipated for a while, but with the newest addition, sweet Caroline, the ballgame completely changed.

Now, with Lauren as a resident MD in Denver, I made the decision that it would be best to stay at home with Caroline. Lauren would absolutely love to trade places with me, and maybe some day she will, but this is the beautiful and messy season we are in, and we are making the most of it. I’ve been told about youth ministry jobs, but I’m not interested. I have a congregation of one. If I can't disciple Caroline, nothing else matters. I could get a job, but it would be a wash and it would only pay for Caroline to be raised by someone else for these tough years while Lauren has crazy hours at the hospital. For our family, it made most sense for me to be Mr. DAD!

Not Mr. Mom!

Bottom line: Let’s give men back their true dignity: heart, mind, body and soul stuff!

Let’s give women their value and worth seen as equals in this world. We are all people made in the glorious image of our heavenly Father. When we mess with these roles and place our prescription of what it means to be a man and women upon others, we take away someone’s sacred worth.

I don’t think every family needs to have someone stay at home. And, I’m not advocating that men leave their jobs and stay at home. It’s a calling for both sexes. It's a couple's decision. It’s unique to each family.  It made most sense for us now. Everyone has their story and their convictions. But a deep conviction that is needed in our churches is to allow men to see that they are better than Homer Simpson and Ray Romano. We have feelings. We can nurture. We can still drink beer and watch ESPN if that’s our thing, but it’s time we put down gender slurs that go both ways. It's time we raise our kids, and show them they matter. You can be a hardworking man in the workplace (like both of my brothers-in-law, Scott and Barrett), whose wives stay at home. But these men make precious time for their children, and that is what is truly important. Their jobs are secondary to their families. My dad did the same for me, and coached all of my baseball teams as a kid. 

Man up, Mr. Dads! 

I’m learning new things about life, priorities, what really matters at the end of the day, and I couldn’t be prouder for my wife, the beautiful, strong, loving, doctor who is a fantastic mother. Caroline has a great role model in Lauren. In fact, we both talked about this strange transition tonight (as it is tough and new for both of us), and we are both ridiculously proud of one another. 

Whether you are a working mom at home or in the work place, a working dad at home or in the workplace (because it's all work!), at the end of our lives, your kids will answer these few questions about their childhood and your relationship. 

1. Did mom and dad love me?

2. Did they love one another?

And, hopefully...

3. Did they show this love of Jesus to the world around them?